Oh, The Irony.

Unrequited Letter

Dear Lover,

I want you back, though I know it will never happen. I want you back and since I can’t speak about it, I’ll write about it. I miss your laugh and touch. I miss the wonders of your love so much. I fowled up, screwed love like a bitch you just give up. I swear, I didn’t want to love you. I didn't want you to love me. Only to have fun, make love in the sun, and walk away scotch free…maybe a little browner from your sun kiss of love on me. I wish I could go back to where we found love again. I wish I could take back the moment, hold it, savor it, use it to reinvent the end. My lover lover, I miss you so much. You were the key that opened it all up. I re-envisioned emotions that I kept so deep, I painted them in pictures, abstract, cubist, pixel hd. You and I are not the same but we’re cut from the same tree. We love hard. We lie hard. We take hard. We break hard. I never wanted to break it, to break me, break you, break us. I didn’t want it to end. I left and came back but my heart I couldn’t win. So strange this love thing, how it takes you over. Consuming mind, body and spirit until everything held dear is undone. I lost sight of you, lost sight of the love. I was there but I was gone. The moment I caught the essence of love back, that first kiss, the heart beat in time, when the sweet memories finally resettled in my mind, the damage had already been done and the web I weaved could not be untwined. But lover lover please know that I love you. Not loved you, but I love you. It is so easy to say, I’ll always love you to coax the memory until it fades away. But lover lover, I want to love you. I want to hold you, wipe your hidden tears. I want to be there when life is great, I want to console you when life causes your heart to break. I want to be your friend, your ally, your first in command. And though I broke your seal of trust…my lover lover I want a place in your life again. I’ll be a pauper for you, waiting on hand, feet, need. I will go to the lowest of rank just to have the gift of your presence again. Lover lover, this is my love letter. The words that will never get to you, the painful eloquence you will never read. Your beauty is baffling, your strength is willfully strong. Pride is your protector, saving you from hurt…again. I understand you’re too experienced to open up to me again. But lover lover my soul misses you in ways I never thought possible. Your love hit me hard though that seems unimaginable. You've seen it all, the beautiful demon that lives in me. It breathes and taunts, ever present, ever existing. I started to fight these demons with you by my side. But then your love scared me...its possible power to cure me...I got scared, ran and hid. I hid under an old familiar tree, a shade that has no love therefore no responsibility. I hid under selfishness and self-pity. Then told you to "deal with it...if you ever really loved me." But now I know, these demons I must conquer on my own. It was not fair, right, or just to drag into a deep, dark abyss that I know as home. I had no right to bring innocence into my settled corrosion. I am not capable of saving, I told you this, my selfish disclosure. Lover lover, you can't begin to understand. I love on the surface because true love I cannot comprehend. How can I be selfless, when life has taught me self-preservation is the key. I do not want the responsibility of disappointment, heartache and pain. I am contradictorily immature, I want the hand-holding kisses and feverish sex. But the love, the love, with that I vex. And so I hide under my multiple layers of lovers that way I never fully relinquish self, I never fully give love. With you I wanted to change, make babies, grow old, have your last name. But somewhere along the lines I got distracted. I made you my enemy instead of a beauty once attractive. I pushed you away mentally and emotionally. I cut it all off in order to save me. But Lover lover, I am seeing beyond the smoke. And realizing that I jeopardized a love unknown. Manipulation, deceit, selfishness, greed, and most deadly a smile so devilish but sweet. This is all I have to offer, so what reasons do you have to give? But Lover lover, I promise I can make dead things new. All the love I have I will divulge to save a little of me and you. Lover lover, I know you, I know you won’t come back…but if I could close my eyes, and wish upon a falling star…I would squeeze my lids until my tears fell and dried…and whisper to the ear of whatever spirit in the sky…"bring me my lover lover if only one more time."